Are you martyring yourself?

What do you do when your head’s in a whirl because you’ve got so much on your plate things have suddenly become impossible?

I used to double down on fiercely ploughing through my lists. I became super fast at decision making, high on the delightful adrenaline of solving people's problems by taking responsibility others seemed unwilling to take. I loved helping people, making things better. I thought this was a strength of mine, this ability to work faster and more efficiently, to see where things could be made better for people, streamlining systems to prevent wasted effort, supporting people to work to their strengths. I loved having the power to make things better.

What I didn't realise was that I was martyring myself for this worthy cause. I thought I could shoulder more than others - that I would be ok regardless of the pressure.

I thought I loved my job and was flying high, promotion after promotion. 

But the truth was somewhat more complicated: I loved my job but it was killing me.

And worse, I’d known this for years. Because that was the title of one of the first blogs I ever wrote. Yet here I was 7 years later still trying to solve the same problem - how to love my job and be good at it and not let anyone down but stop it destroying my health, leaking into the rest of my life, negatively impacting my relationships (it's tough to enjoy being around someone who can be tipped into wailing banshee at the slightest little thing) and stealing my headspace.

I’d lost my perspective. I didn’t know who I was outside of my work. That Heidi - the one that knows how to switch off, laugh easily and not take everything so seriously - she was fast disappearing, making fewer and fewer appearances.

I missed her. This fiercely successful but secretly exhausted, grumpy Heidi just wasn’t me. And this was not what I'd worked hard for. I worked hard for the satisfaction of well paid meaningful work but also for the promise of more freedom in how I spent my time - both at work and in the rest of my life.

Eventually but quite unexpectedly crashed and burned. I reached a stage where I was no longer prepared to push on through. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to quit. And I did. But not after moving jobs twice and then serving out my 3 month notice. Martyrdom or what?!

Now I would never treat myself that way. I value myself much more and I’m watchful of that sneaky martyrdom. I have created a life where I get to have well paid meaningful work and be well and nice to hang out with.

I’m still fiercely driven and I’m still highly reliable and great helping people. Not letting people down is still important to me but I set things up so that I can provide the highest level of service (with the delight of over delivering) without martyrdom. So much more fun. I get to be my big hearted self and look after myself properly.

How? By changing how I look at things. By gently, but firmly, rebelling against this current nonsense that to have success in our work requires the sacrifice of the rest of our lives.

When I started on this new outlook I had no idea how it would turn out. 6 years later it’s way better than I could ever have imagined.

If you’d like to make similar shifts in your life and would like to chat about working with me, please book a Curiosity Call. I’m off to the US for a three week adventure involving mountains, hot springs, whales, rain forests and redwoods - when I get back I will be writing my next book. I will have space for one new 1:1 client in November.

The Gently Rebellious Read will be back mid-October. Till then I wish you days of ease, joy and finding more and more freedom to be yourself, to feel at home in yourself.

Heidi